Griffin and Sabine's Journey

My Love

2009-05-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

I miss you sweet Griffin.

2009-04-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

Some of the images of what love looks like to me.

2009-03-15T15:08:00.004-05:00

Johnny Cash

2009-02-28T21:54:00.000-06:00

For My Love

2009-02-25T18:44:00.002-06:00

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This is for you my love Griffin....I can never hear it without thinking of you. I even want it played at my funeral.
I love you.

Diamonds and Rust

2009-02-15T16:51:00.002-06:00

DIAMONDS AND RUST (Words and Music by Joan Baez)
Well I'll be damned Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit Hand on the telephone Hearing a voice I'd known A couple of light years ago Heading straight for a fall
As I remember your eyes Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring They bring diamonds and rust
Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend The unwashed phenomenon The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed Temporarily lost at sea The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell Would keep you unharmed
Now I see you standing With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there
Now you're telling me You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust I've already paid.

Can you go back and recapture something you once had with someone special? I don't know. I want to believe you can , but sometimes I am afraid that the past haunts like a ghost following you around with all the bad memories. The past for me is a lover that betrayed me with another woman ,and she haunts me. Not just she ,but also the fact that he choose her over me and then lied about it.
Now is now and that is the past , but can we really let go? Can we? I really want to know. I really want to know........

Valentine

2009-02-14T01:00:00.005-06:00

Due to formatting reasons, I am unable to load the complete version of the card I scanned and manipulated today. I will continue to work on it. I have a sneaky suspicion that certain photoshop jobs may be too large to post here. If not that, I don't know what the deal is. Please bear with me during the course of your day. This is a very special holiday for Sabine and I, and I take it very seriously. It galls me to post a "please stand by due to technical difficulties" post, but we do what we can.

Sabine, I love you
I miss you terribly
I want you
I long for you
I hunger and thirst for you
The need and drive in me that propels
every choice I make
Is you
You are the engine
You are the inspiration
You are hope and dreams
You are my light and life
You
You
Without you, I despair
With you, I am completed
I belong to you
And you to me
On this Valentine's Day
Be mine
Mine
Mine
I love you

Come What May..........my love....

2009-02-13T22:04:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentines Day, Griffin

2009-02-13T21:14:00.002-06:00

You are my sweet sugar baby love. I love you so tenderly and passionately. I think you are smart and funny and oh so sexy. I miss you terribly and want you so hungrily.

Happy Valentines Day my lover , my sweetheart ,so far from my arms.

Sabine.....

Longing

2009-02-10T09:55:00.002-06:00

I miss her
I need her
I desire and cherish
her
her
I'll take whatever level of her I can get
and say thankya
Thank You
my love
my cherished one
my soft place where I land
when I fall
my rest
my helpmeet
my lover
my wife
my precious angel
my friend
I long for you
I crave you
I burn white hot for you
You
Just you
All of you
Every bit
Every ounce
Every jot and tittle
No other
Just you

Wiping Off The Dirt

2009-01-28T07:21:00.004-06:00

He sought his freedom today,

in serious courtrooms

where people have to speak for you,

because you no longer can.

The walls of anger and disappointment

make strangers of people,

who once were lovers,

and accidentally made a child.

People who really

had no business

being together in the first place.

He never loved her.

It was easy sex and a little comfort,

a bigger paycheck from the air force,

that was all.

His heart belonged to another

before this broken blond

came into the picture.

His heart and soul

always longed for another.

A auburn haired Texan

with a fiery spirit.

He seeks his freedom today

from a woman he calls whore,

and succubus behind her back.

He thinks she is a soul stealer,

he may be right,

he knows she killed his career.

She can have it all, because

there isn't anything worth keeping

that she has her poison on.

But his load will lighten today,

as the judge signs the papers

giving him back his freedom,

his honor and a little bit of his dignity too.

He can wipe the dirt off his shoes,

and leave the blond bitch behind.

Move into his own,

move into a future of his own making,

a better life of possibility.

Cherie (Sabine) 1/27/09

The Space Between

2009-01-21T01:34:00.002-06:00

I can't embed this video for proprietary reasons (and who can blame him?), but here is the link. If I can find a better way, I promise I will. For this video and others of the like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvkX3t5LgVI

Missing him

2009-01-17T18:47:00.002-06:00

Thank you for my pink roses and explaining things better for me. I miss you tonight. I am longing for you so much. I'm glad you got a temporary job. It will be good for you to get out.
I love you. I miss you. I want you.

A Dream I Had

2009-01-16T18:22:00.003-06:00

I went to sleep last night worried about Sabine. She's had some not too friendly health problems lately, and due to that, as well as some other emotionally draining issues she's been dealing with the past few days, she hasn't had too much reserves left to deal with any unnecessary bullshit. She called me late in the night, because she could not sleep. Her mind was racing with the things she was dealing with, as well as some doubts and insecurities and irrational fears I burdened her with. These fears are no doubt what contributed to what i dreamt when I did finally get to sleep.

In the dream, she and I were together, and I was happy. She was too. Before long, though, I realized where we were located. We lived in the house that she shares with him. Correction, she lived in the house with him, and I lived hidden in her closet. She would let me out whenever he was away or the coast was clear. Realistically, this is no way to live, but in the dream, I still found the happiness of being with her even in that small way enough to subsist on. Then, one day, he discovers that I have been living in the closet, and that she's been keeping me there from him. He begins to scream terrible hurtful things to her. "So this is why you're not with me anymore! He is why you haven't let me touch you in months!" He threatened her (this is not his way in real life, but you know how dreams can be) and said that he would kill her, and then kill me, and then kill himself. Sabine runs to the closet and begins to throw dirty laundry on top of me to hide me, but he sees me anyway. I try to explain to him as best I can the situation and the nature of what is going on, but the guilt of the truth was too apparent to conceal. That's when I woke up, sweating, and weeping for what the dream meant.

It is entirely possible that it was, as they say, just a dream. God knows I've been saying that to myself most of the day. After all, anyone who's taken a high school english course has had a teacher explain that not everything is symbolic. "Sometimes a green frog is just a green frog," they would say. I pray that this dream is just a dream, based on my irrational fears, doubts, and insecurities. I pray that this will work out for the best (and in whatever God's perfect time for that is, not my time, as I am impatient and greedy and foolish). I pray for Sabine and I. I pray for him. I want to be with her, and I don't want to live in a closet. I pray that I can have both of those things.

This morning, Sabine and I were talking. I had not really talked about this dream with her yet, other than to say that I'd had a dream and who it was about. The conversation took an ugly turn (my fault entirely) because I had let myself get really worked up all morning about being concealed by her in her closet. It made me feel like she was ashamed of me. I don't believe that she is, and like I said, it was a dream. But I said some pretty stupid things this morning that I wish I could take back.

For a long time, a continuing theme in our relationship has been about the things we (I) wish we (I) could undo. Last night, Sabine told me that what we must do now is stop living and reliving the regrets of the past, and focus on the present so that we can build on the future. I want to do that. I believe that we can, even with so many things surrounding us that are vivid and loud reminders of the ghosts of the past. I do believe we can overcome them. I have to believe that. If there is any hope for us at all, we have to do that. I hope you read this, Sabine. And I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I say that I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome our past and build our love up so that it will be strong and precious. I love you so fucking much. You are and always will be my beloved precious angel.

--Griffin

He Gives Me Ultimatums

2009-01-16T17:56:00.000-06:00

He gives me ultimatums
about our relationship,
he ask me questions
to which I have no answers.
He wants absolutes,
but this situation isn't black and white,
it is many shades of gray,
and now he is hurting,
and I'm the reason?
I think I'm supposed to fix it,
but how the fuck
am I supposed to do that,
when it takes all I've got
just to breathe.
I opened this doorway,
this pandoras box of secrets,
and now all the blackness is escaping
into the open,
into me,
and I'm responsible.
I'm trying to grasp air
and it eludes me.
I can't put it back in the box,
all this painful mess.
So the only thing
I can do, is allow it to escape,
into the air,
into the light,
into the void,
and hope it lands
someplace safe.

Sabine 1/16/09 (Cherie)

Arms Of The Angel

2009-01-15T20:06:00.000-06:00

For my sweetheart .....may you find comfort in the arms of the angel.

Shameless Plug

2009-01-13T11:31:00.002-06:00

It was Cold Today, and Murder is More Than Just a Bunch of Crows
What appears to start out as an emotional webjournal entry takes a darker twist as events unfold.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1364307/it_was_cold_today_and_murder_is_more.html

--Griffin

Pity Party

2009-01-12T16:45:00.002-06:00

This morning my dad and I had a bit of a blowout about much of nothing. It got out of hand pretty badly because my emotions are very frazzled right now from being out of work. We both said things we regretted, and I left the house very pissed off. I let that anger fuel my sense of hopelessness about my job-finding troubles. I let those feelings feed and feed until I found myself unable to talk to anyone. Not too many people want to hire a grown man who looks like he's been crying, and can hardly talk without choking up. Yuck.

Looking back, of course, it's pretty embarrassing. I threw myself a pretty hardcore pity party while driving down the road. Actually, I've been having a lot of self pity the past few days. I've got to get over myself. I am better now. Fortunately for me, I have someone as precious as Sabine in my life. She listened to me piss and moan for a minute, and then told me (more or less) to get over myself and talk to my dad when I got home and to not wear my feelings on my sleeve. This is definitely not the time for that. She was right.

I filled out a few more applications, and I've got an interview tomorrow morning with K-Mart. I believe it's a overnight-stock position. It's not exactly what I'm shooting for, but it's definitely better than spinning my wheels not doing anything. Sabine gave me some great advice (as usual) and I love her for it. She's been feeling a little under the weather lately, and I wish I could take that from her. I hate it when she's in any kind of discomfort.

Anyway, enough of that sappy feeling sorry for myself stuff. I've got it better than most. I've got a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a vehicle that will get me from A to B. More importantly though, I've got the love of the best woman in the galaxy. Why she loves me and puts up with my nonsense sometimes is beyond my comprehension. I don't ask why the sun shines, though. I'm just thankful for the light and the warmth.

Poem For My Love

2009-01-12T15:09:00.002-06:00

our eyes will always meet, even in a room full of people
our hands will fit perfectly to hold each other
you and i will forever finish each other's sentences effortlessly
we'll have plenty of inside jokes that makes us laugh and look like fools
our midnight conversations always end only when the sun starts shining,
with both of us sleeping on the same side of the bed.
we will take the longer walk home,
just so there's more time to spend together
you and i dont always have to speak to understand each other,
one look that's all it takes
we will eat off each other's plate just perfectly,
cause i like what you dont like, and you like what i dont
our friends grow uncomfortable, because when we stare into each other's eyes...
it seems like nothing else matters
as we lay next to one another, our bodies will seem like they are one.
our favorite song will be magic moments,
because we'll never forget the moment we've kissed the night of the full moon
we pass time by lounging on the big couch,
cuddling and talking over anything under the sun
our eyes cant lie, for its the window to the soul,
hence there's no need to constantly whisper, i love you
and all these little things make up ..... our relationship .

Tribute for Griffin

2009-01-10T19:29:00.000-06:00

My love please remember that adversity makes us stronger.

When it rains...

2009-01-10T16:57:00.005-06:00

Today I had planned to do some more job hunting. Let me tell you what happened instead. The first thing I needed to do was to get a new tire for my Jeep. It had gotten a flat, and it was not quite the same size as the other 3 tires. I got a used tire from Otto the Tire Man, and figured I'd be on my way.

Once I got back onto the freeway, I noticed that the Jeep began shaking violently once I hit about 45 mph. I'd had this problem before and getting the alignment fixed had solved the problem. I went over to the local Firestone place and told them what was going on with my vehicle and what I thought needed to be done. They proceeded to tell me what they thought the problem might be, what they thought should be done, how much it would cost, and then test drove it. The guy came back and showed me the part he believed needed to be replaced due to a Technical Service Bulletin (TSB 19-003-06) that had come out a few years ago on my particular model Jeep. Apparently, a TSB is similar to a recall, but with the customer having to pay through the nose to fix the problem. Good times.

The guy referred me to the local Jeep dealership, and once I got there, I was quoted a price tag of a little over $300 for the part and labor that might or MIGHT NOT fix the problem. Seriously, let me tell you about this shaking. At about 45-50 mph, it literally feels like the steering wheel desperately wants out of my hands, like it is late for a very pressing engagement, and the whole front end wants to jump off the road (with or without the rest of the vehicle, it doesn't seem too picky). This is a pretty scary feeling, especially on the bridge in town, or one of the many useless freeways, or even just in traffic. It's extremely difficult to maintain control of the vehicle. Yikes! Can we say red asphalt? Of course at 45-55 mph, while wearing my seatbelt, I doubt I'd be thrown from the vehicle. More likely parts of the vehicle would want to be forcibly inserted into me through my chest. Anyway, I don't have $300+ (still job hunting, so no income) so I can't get the problem fixed right now. I suppose, barring a grant from one of my generous readers (that's right followers, time to fork over the cash! Just kidding), I'll just have to rechristen the Jeep something a little more accurate. Don't get me wrong, I love my Jeep, but Rolling Deathtrap might be a better name for it, at least for now.

The dealership was on top of their game too. The guy at the desk seemed so interested in my huge safety issue, that he was almost able to pretend to listen to me and not to whatever he was watching on the tube. Perhaps the president was on or something. I asked him what he thought I should do and he said "Well, try to keep it under 40, I guess," then re-glued his eyes to the television.

BAH! I know that when things are not going so great, it seems like everything happens all at once, but I seriously do NOT need this shit right now.
--Griffin

Good Enough

2009-01-09T22:26:00.002-06:00

My mood of the moment.

Sabine.......mon couer..........je taime

Mr. Rogers' Goodbye

2009-01-09T21:48:00.001-06:00

I was always a big fan of Mr. Rogers. He helped show me how to be a good neighbor. I still miss him sometimes.

--Griffin

More Job Hunting

2009-01-09T17:14:00.006-06:00

This is getting frustrating and desperate. AHHHHH! I feel like screaming. The job market sucks, by the way. NOBODY is hiring. I just spent today filling out applications for Applebees, O'Charley's, Smokey Bones, T.G.I. Friday's (what's the required amount of "flair" to wear?), Chili's, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Mellow Mushroom, Outback, Ruby Tuesday's, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, Red Robin, and a computer repair store that looked like it had about 2 employees and only needed one. I've done the online resume thing and sent it out to all parts of cyberspace. I've submitted my paper resume to nearly every place in this town that has even the remotest need for someone to fix a computer (hospitals, communications centers, insurance agencies, even the damn newspaper).

I wonder if I could make any money as a male dancer? I doubt it. I can't dance for shit and don't really meet the physical requirements for the jobs (not super ripped, don't have a 13-inch trouser snake, and I'm not gay). Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope I find something soon. Like I said, I'm feeling very frustrated and desperate more and more frequently. I have to find something soon, otherwise, you may see a Microsoft Certified bag-boy at your local supermarket very soon, or the guy asking if you'd like some fries with that at Mickey D's or BK.God, this is depressing. I am hoping that writing about all this crap will help a bit. You know, provide me an outlet.

I'm definitely having one of those days where I'd like to crawl under a rock and close my eyes and wait for it to all be over. The truth is, however, that the only things about this situation that are able to change will have to be changed by me. So for tonight, I'm going to put on my cozy flannel pajama pants Sabine just sent me, curl up with a good book (Sabine knows just the one), and try not to wish too hard that I had a tub to soak in (definitely a "Calgon, take me away" kind of night).

Wish me luck, as I get back out there tomorrow and start the whole process over again. And again, and again, and again until I find something. Hmmm, I wonder if it's as easy to rob a bank as the movies seem to make it? I doubt it. I'd probably need enough accomplices for the job that would not make the money worth it. If this was 150 years ago, it might be worth it, but these days, the sheer logistics make big-time crime pretty impractical unless you've already got the access to the millions or billions that you're planning to embezzle. What a ripoff. The poor need the money, and the retardedly rich are falling all over themselves to steal more. I think in my next life, I'll come back as a gangster rapper. They seem to have a good head on their shoulders, and almost no problems to speak of.

Lets Talk About Sex

2009-01-08T20:32:00.001-06:00

Griffin & Sabines History

2009-01-08T19:52:00.012-06:00

Lets talk about sex baby.....lets talk about you and me..................lets talk about sex......

Will fear always surround us?

Can anyone ever climb over the walls I put up to protect myself?

Yes

We almost lived happily ever after last time.

Life 101.

I was WRONG.

Together always.

What Griffin says to me often about the past mistakes.

The place we left in each others hearts when we left each other.

Here's a pretty good pasta recipe

2009-01-08T10:31:00.004-06:00

Today I'm going to write about food. I was reading our header and it said that this blog was about sharing our interests, such as etc... Today, I'm going to share one of the first pasta recipes I made up myself. It was while I was working at The Maple Street Mansion (the name sounds a bit classier that the type of place it's become in the past 10 years). Anyway, I know that most of the time recipes are in a format like prep time; ingredients; measurements; how to cook; and the like. I probably could do that, but I don't remember the exact measurements of all the ingredients I used, and it would vary on how many individuals you were cooking for anyway. So I've decided instead to copy the recipe down sort of like how it sits in my own mind. My apologies to all readers who can't read my mind and who don't know the difference between a splish, a splash, and a sploosh as units of measurement. Anyway, here goes.

The first thing you want to do is get your ingredients all within arms reach, preferably near a stovetop and a countertop (or prepping table if you work in a restaurant). You will need a pot to boil your pasta. I used angel hair pasta. It worked best for what I was doing at the time, but any bachelor will tell you that they all taste the same and therefore make little difference. When boiling your pasta, toss a splish of olive oil and a punch of salt into the water to keep the pasta from sticking to the pot or to itself. I prefer extra virgin olive oil (love the way it smells when heated), and I like kosher salt or sea salt, but any salt will do.

While your pasta is cooking, this would be a good time to start getting the other stuff ready. You'll need a saute pan, some tomatoes, fresh basil (not dried and put in a bottle, it's got to be fresh), butter (real, not margarine), garlic (fresh is ok, but for this dish I prefer the minced garlic that comes in that little jar), and some white wine (chardonnay will probably be your best bet here). Don't waste that bottle you've been saving for your grandson's wedding day or whatever. Really and truly, just about any mid-grade store bought white will do. Let's save the wine snobbery for when we're not cooking with it. In your pan, go ahead and begin melting your butter at a medium-low heat. I hate the look, smell, and taste of burned butter, don't you? While it's melting down, you can toss in your garlic and a splash of your wine. How much you use will be determined by how many you're cooking for and don't be afraid to experiment and screw around with any recipe. Make it your own! Chop up your basil very finely, maybe even toss it in the food processor for a few seconds. Slice or dice your tomatoes (I'd make the tomatoes around bite-size, but whatever shape is your own call). Toss in your basil to the pan, getting it started. By now, your noodles should be getting about done. Drain them and then rinse them off with cold cold water. Put them to the side for now. Get a plate ready.

At the last minute, put your tomatoes into the saute pan. You want them hot, but not really cooked. They should still retain the color and texture of raw tomatoes. Hopefully, as you've added your ingredients to your sauce, you've been stirring it, that's only common sense. Anyway, grab a serving of pasta, and toss it in the pan with your sauce, getting the mix going. Some people may want to put the pasta directly onto the plate and then top it with the sauce, like spaghetti, but with a sauce this light in flavor and color, that's a bit rediculous here. Besides, your noodles should be cold until putting them back into the pan. Anyway, with your tongs or pasta scoopy thing (you know the one I mean, it's like a spoony-thing with holes and arms), stir the pasta into the sauce, saturating as much as you can. Put it onto your plate and serve it. If you find you made too much pasta, or too much sauce, don't worry. Just keep adding one or the other until you've balanced it out. Play around with it.

Make it your own. That's what I did, and they put it on the menu. Must be pretty good, but your first and most critical judge will be yourself. If you like it, someone else probably will too. That is unless you have terminal bachelor tastes and do things like drown everything you each in ranch dressing or hot sauce (sometimes I am guilty of this, and not just with wings). Anyway, try this recipe, or don't. If you have any questions about it, please ask and I will try to answer them.
--Griffin

2009-01-07T17:41:00.000-06:00

Amore

2009-01-07T17:34:00.002-06:00

Love rises above all
The question begs at me
it gnaws at me
all the things I cannot or will never understand
all the things I wasted time on
when all existence fades into silence
silence that draws you in, it beckons you
this merging into one
for understanding has nothing to do with love,love rises above such things
it has no questions and needs no answers
it just is.

Kevin Harling

Job Hunting

2009-01-06T19:26:00.000-06:00

The past couple of days I've had to do the job-hunting thing after almost 6 years. I had forgotten what a pain in the neck it is to get out there, beat the streets, update resumes, and have the ever increasing pressure of that ever-dwindling supply of savings. To say these few days have been nerve-wracking and stressful would be an understatement. I'm only a couple of tests away from my MCSA certification, which should land me a pretty decent job, but the market isn't that great in the small town I landed in. I'd love to write full-time, but I've gotten rusty and my muse has only recently returned (Sabine, I am eternally grateful for you). I've got a lot in me that needs to be written (and read), it's just taking time. I don't know who among you has experienced the brain-baby feelings of intellectual and mental labor pangs. The pains of a literary birth are there, but there's still a bit of a blockage. Perhaps the stress of everything that's going on is hindering my creative juices.
I'm willing to travel, and as a matter of fact, the plan is for me to eventually get out to where Sabine is located. For that, I'll need to have some savings to cover the cost of the travel, a deposit on a place to live, at least a couple months rent or payment in advance, and a few other incidentals.
This may take time, as I'm in the process of what looks to be a very messy and expensive divorce. I will also have to calculate what child support payments will be, according to whatever my income is going to be. I'll have to make enough money to pay for the fuel, auto payments, and insurance. The only thing I'm not having to pay right now is rent, which is fortunate. I've had to move back in with my dad for a while. This is a heavy blow to my self-esteem. It feels like I'm a teenager or something again sometimes. After being independent for so long, having to come back to depend in any way on someone else is difficult for me. Hopefully this process will not last too long. I spoke to a human resources rep at a hospital in the local area about a computer administrator job they had posted. It sounded fairly promising. I may even have to consider getting a night job (like a regular job-type job, not a career-type job) so I can focus on interviews and whatnot during the day. I know Waffle House is always hiring somewhere, and they particularly have trouble keeping night-shift help. There is good reason for this. I don't know how many of you out there have experienced this, but Waffle House is not the most pleasant place to be between 2 and 5 in the morning.

Oh well, there are other options. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this, and I have a great support system, especially in Sabine. I couldn't do this without her support. I am very grateful to have a friend and cheerleader like her in my corner. Any little bit helps though. If you believe in this kind of stuff, pray for me. If not, then I'll pray for you. I just made myself feel clever. Ha ha ha. Anyway, it's getting late, and I've got some streets to beat in the morning. Good night all.
--Griffin

Him (My Griffin)

2009-01-03T22:15:00.000-06:00

I want my love in the worst way tonight. My arms feel empty without him to hold. I long for the day we can be together forever. I am his and he is mine and there is just no stopping that.

All Cleaned Up Now Mr. Griffin

2009-01-03T14:02:00.000-06:00

Looking Back, Looking Forward - A New Year Underway

2009-01-01T15:50:00.000-06:00

It is 2009; a brand new year. A time of reflection, but more importantly, a time to look to the future. We all have heard of traditions associated with the coming new year. Almost everyone at one time or another has made a promise to themselves or someone else to change something about their life. Many resolve to give up a vice, or to spend more time at the gym shedding those extra holiday pounds. Some people resolve to seek out a relationship with a significant other, while others promise themselves that this will be the year they are going to break out of some other mold or rut in their life. "I'm going to ask for that raise this year," or "This year I want to spend less time in the office and more time with my family." These are all noble and worthy things to aspire to, but I'll talk more about that at a later time.

Some other traditions that some of us know about might be a bit more localized. Many of us make a ham for the New Year's Dinner (or lunch or whatever). I'm not a big eater of pork, but I've noticed that this seems to be the holiday meat almost like turkey is for Thanksgiving. Personally, I think I'd rather have a steak. Also, at least where I'm from, we eat collard greens and black-eyed peas. My mother told me that the greens were so we would have dollars in the coming year and the peas were for change. Being younger, I thought she may have been talking about quarters, nickels, and dimes, but the more I think about it, I wonder if we don't want a different kind of change for the new year. Perhaps that is what she meant. I don't know. Another New Year's tradition my mother impressed upon me was that one had to be careful what they did on New Year's Day, because they would be doing it for the rest of the year. My mother seemed to take great fear in this concept and would spend as much of the day in bed as she could. This tended to have the opposite effect on me. Now, I realize that traditions and superstitions only have as much power over us as we allow them, but I still try to do something productive on New Year's Day. Even if it's as small of a thing as doing laundry. As a matter of fact, I've done the laundry every New Year's Day for as far back as I can remember. I've got a load running right now. Perhaps there's more to that superstition than meets the eye, but I figure, if I'm going to be doing something for the rest of the year, it might as well be something that needs to be done on a regular basis no matter what time of the year it is. Perhaps I'll shower today as well, maybe even make dinner, or go for a walk. Something productive that I can do just as easily on January 1st as I can on any other day of the year. I wonder sometimes at the irony that my mother (who has worked very hard all her life, don't get me wrong), spends most of her free time in the bed. Go figure.

I hope every one of you have a prosperous and peaceful New Year. I hope that you all find within you the personal strength that you really do have to keep up any resolutions that you make. Even if you don't make resolutions, I still hope that you experience all things good this new year. This is a chance to begin again. It's a chance to become something and someone a little bit better than we were before. Whether that means a small personal upgrade, or a complete systems overhaul, I wish you all luck. Perhaps this will be the year you look back on later and say, "Wow, 2009! What a year!"
Happy New Year,
-Griffin

A Brand New Year

2008-12-31T16:22:00.000-06:00

It will soon be 2009, and it is indeed a time for self reflection. I do not make resolutions anymore ,as I always felt the pressure of those choices weigh on me and felt doomed to keep them. I do however think it is a good time for reflection of the past year and perhaps a good time to re evaluate some things you may want to achieve in the coming year.

My own goals for this coming year are to be as healthy as I can be. To take responsibility for that health by making good choices in food and drink and exercise and sleep.

I also would like to pay off all my credit card debt. To do that I am going to write out a budget and figure what I would have to pay each month to achieve that goal, and not use the cards at all this year.

A more important goal is one I am unsure of when or how to accomplish, but will figure it out as needed. I want to work towards my own happiness and dreams. I know that sounds a little vague, but it really isn't. Griffin will know what I mean by that one.

Today is my anniversary. The fifth anniversary of being diagnosed with stage one breast cancer.
At exactly 5 pm , five years ago today, I got the call from my doctor apologizing for telling me via the phone, but stating that she knew I would want to know as soon as possible. After hanging up the phone and telling my two house mates at the time , I lay my head down on the kitchen table and wept and wept. They wept with me and held me.
As long as I live I will never forget that moment in time. I am so blessed to still be here , and to be in remission and healthy. I am so grateful to God for that and to the good doctors I had.

I look forward to the coming year ahead and all the possibilities that are there. I want to be optimistic and filled with hope that 2009 will be a stellar year and full of many happy experiences to come.
I know that having Griffin back in my life, while it has brought many added stressors in some ways, has also brought me joy and happiness in many others. It is a miracle in many ways that we are back in each others lives.

My wish for all of you is one of health and happiness and may your dreams come true this year.

"The Scientist" by Coldplay

2008-12-30T09:14:00.000-06:00

This is a song that's always made me think of Sabine and our relationship. The elements of wanting to go back and change things in the past is, I think, a universal desire. I know it's very strong in me. I imagine I sometimes spend too much time wishing I had a time machine and probably not enough time considering what needs to be done for the situations of the present. I don't know. It is often difficult to determine things like that about myself. The high-powered tools of perception work well when looking outside. Turning them to look inside though sometimes feels like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Please excuse my ramblings, it's not particularly early here, but it wasn't too long ago I woke up, and I still have not sipped my coffee yet. It's too hot.
-Griffin

Acid Trip I once Went On

2008-12-30T00:36:00.000-06:00

His Betrayal

2008-12-29T12:21:00.000-06:00

I cannot escape this loss

this dumpster of time

tossed like a rotten fruit,

leaving me with nothing,

but the death smell of an empty bin.

I'm left to look at broken glass

and graffiti of lives left in heaps

unspoken.

The head of a babydoll,

my jealous face,

both carry the same message:

we have been replaced.

I cannot escape this loss.

He can afford his sins.

I will see reflections

in the bits of broken glass

as I memorize every detail

of his little face.

He has his eyes

and her wicked smile,

as if he carries a legacy

of betrayal.

He can afford his sins,

but my sins don't go anywhere,

they stick to me with a cloying sweetness

and wait to do me in.

I twist and turn,

trying to escape this legacy,

and end up finding us,

in this thing you made.

Or what is left of us anyway.

Sabine / 2008 written just after seeing pictures of their child together.

Musings on my son

2008-12-29T09:57:00.000-06:00

I recently had my son over to visit for a few days for the holidays. It was an experience I am still a bit ambivalent about. Although I've been in his life for the past year and a half, I haven't really been much of a father to him. I was emotionally distant with him much of the time. A good deal of that has to do with the emotions his mother brings up in me and the painful memories his presence evokes. Now, don't get me wrong or paint me too harshly just yet. I fully understand that none of that is his fault, and that of all the parties involved in the whole sad affair, he is the innocent one in this situation. I don't hold any negative feelings toward him. He's actually a really likable little guy. I see a bit of myself in him, but even more interestingly, I see a lot of my younger brother in him sometimes. Go figure. The main reason for the emotional conflict I have regarding him, is what he represents. While with Sabine, I cheated and betrayed her trust by getting another woman pregnant. The ramifications of this horrible thing I did are still effecting us today. We are still at a point where we are having to rebuild our trust foundation. We are making progress, but it's a much slower and painful pace than it should have to be. I hold all the blame in this matter. Over the years of working through this issue, Sabine and I have reconnected and there are definitely parts of our love that are stronger and truer now than before, but the cost has been high. We may have this pain to deal with for many years to come. It seems that it's a bit lessened now, over time, but it still flares up occasionally. They say time heals all things, and I believe that. I also believe in a God that heals the brokenhearted. But healing, like growing, is a process that takes time, effort, and is often painful. This was a very wasteful sin I committed. I wasted years of what could have been spent growing closer with Sabine for deception, betrayal, and infidelity. I don't have the words to describe how sorry I am about the pain and havoc I've wrought in her life, in our life. I hope and believe that she and I can recover and press on from this massive wound in our hearts. I also hope and pray that I can be the father that my son needs me to be as well. He deserves that and more. It's not his fault that he's here, and I should never ever, ever treat him like a mistake or accident. He actually makes that easier than I deserve it to be. Over the past few days, we've both discovered that we like each other quite a bit. I'm still pretty scared about what kind of father I will be. My track record for flourishing relationships is pretty spotty. He deserves more than that. Sabine deserves more than that. I have to try though. I want to be a better man than I am. I want to be a better father than I am. I may post more on this issue. Maybe today, maybe in the same post. I'm not sure yet.
--Griffin

A Fathers Legacy

2008-12-28T22:25:00.000-06:00

Even though a long lost brother

has found me.

I find no comfort there.

I am still a only child,

that lonely little girl

twirling in the grass

playing with her dolls,

climbing huge oak trees

perched atop my kingdom.

Strange brothers can do nothing

to fill that void

inside me now.

A disconnected voice

from a fathers long ago mistake.

How many more secrets

from his past

will continue to haunt me?

How many broken promises

and lost dreams

can one lonely woman survive?

His fractured spirit

is still following me around

from the grave.

Boney fingers pushing up from the dirt,

to claw at me again.

I placed a rock on top of your resting place

hoping to keep you inside,

Where you could never hurt me again.

Something I didn't realize then,

was that rocks can't keep ghost contained.

Sabine/ 2008

Stormy Morning

2008-12-27T09:56:00.000-06:00

This morning the wind is blowing and the sky is darkening. I feel the weather changing quickly. A storm is moving in. I love storms. I love the unpredictability of storms. The rain falling , the lightening crashing and the thunder booming. I love the passion in them.

Life is like a storm sometimes. We don't really know what we are going to get or how it will all turn out. We can only control parts of our story. Like the sudden weather change, our lives turn on a dime.

One minute you are laughing and confident that all is well and the next second a car hits yours in the side. It is all unpredictable and scary in a way, but it is also exciting and wonderful.

Even though we don't know the outcomes of a thing, even though we sometimes walk blindly into the dawn ,we walk willingly. Some of the people we meet along our path will bring us so much joy and so much love that it is worth it. I would rather have known a moments real love that didn't work out ,than to not know what it was like to feel that.

We don't have to know what is in the box before we open it. It is okay. Life's unexpected surprises are bound to happen. Some of them will be wonderful and some won't ,but either way I am glad to be here. I am glad to be a part of humanity and look forward to the journey.

Insomnia

2008-12-25T23:25:00.000-06:00

Griffin has a child by another woman.
I am sleepless and restless tonight. Full of unanswered questions. Wondering what exactly it is I feel right now about this child. What I feel about all of this. How did we let this all happen to us?
I want to love the boy. I do.
I am a kind person and love children.
This child represents for me a great heartbreak, and he is that for Griffin as well.
This causes him to feel a bit ambivalent about it all.
We both struggle with this issue. The only thing he can do is to give what he can ,and love the boy in spite of his harpie mother. In spite of feeling he is a mistake. In spite of all that happened in the past.

He is the innocent here. That is an important fact we both have to remember when dealing with this issue. Children usually are the innocent ones in bad situations. We adults are usually the ones to blame.
As parents we can only do our best and try not to inflict any damage. Like the code for physicians.
" First Do No Harm "
Good advice for parents as well.
So we take this one day at a time like we do all the rest of this situation we find ourselves in.
We don't really have a choice.

Christmas Morning

2008-12-25T11:10:00.000-06:00

This beautiful Christmas morning I awoke with him on my mind , but that would be no different from any other day since we reunited.

I awoke thinking of how I wish he was lying next to me in the bed and I would slip off to the kitchen to make us coffee and bring him a cup in bed. Then I would kiss him on his nose until his eyes fluttered open to me, tossled and sleepy eyed. I already know he would smile sweetly, as that is his way with me. He may not always be sweet with most, but with me he is tender and thoughtful. He tells me I bring this side out in him.

He brings out in me so many things. A sexual , sensual woman that starves for him. A intelligent being that wants to figure things out. A nurturing caring person that wants to take care of him.

I fell in love with a manchild, but he is growing into a real man now. A deep thinker , responsible and serious in the ways that matter, but also a little inner child that relishes the fun part of life.

Our life is complicated , but in other ways it all seems so simple. I love him and he loves me and all the rest is in the details.

My wish for you on this beautiful Christmas morning is to find a love like ours. To have even just a taste of what this feels like is to be blessed by the gods.

Merry Christmas xoxoxoxo

Sabine

My love for her

2008-12-25T10:12:00.000-06:00

I remember when I first met her. My Sabine. It was, as she says, in a chat room. At that time, we enjoyed each other's company a lot. We had so many things in common, and I have to admit, it wasn't very long at all before I realized that I was crushing on her pretty hard. Eventually we began speaking on the phone. I remember the very first phone call we shared I was so nervous. I was really just a kid at the time, although I know that I'd have resented hearing that about myself then. But nevertheless, I was nervous about hearing her for the first time on the phone. She could tell. She called me from the bathtub. That thought alone was really more than enough to set my heart to racing. It was still very early on in the friendship, but I felt very attracted to her. I don't think I'd even seen a photo of her at that point. Well, the Internet's funny like that. And then her voice. Her lovely, beautiful, wonderful voice. It's got a very gentle quality about it, although I have definitely heard her inner warrior in that voice many times. There's a subtle Texas drawl to it that comes out when she gets excited about something. Or when she's speaking to folks with extreme New York accents. She and I love to do voices together. I could spend hours talking about her voice, but I'll press on. She's got this way about her. In many respects, she's very old-fashioned (in all the best ways, and none of the worst). She can cook and bake, and then she'll turn around and surprise you when you find out about the very technical nature of her job. She has an extremely keen wit, and when the situation calls for it, she'll tell you exactly what's on her mind. It's often tempered with an genuine goodness and kindness, but if she's got to call a spade a spade, she does exactly that. She's softer than a spring rain falling on flowers, and yet she's tougher than nails. She can ride a horse, change an alternator on a car, and yet you'll see her in a little black dress at a party and look at her right when she's biting her lip and wonder how the world doesn't just blow her away sometimes. Don't be fooled. She may be biting her lip in doubt, but don't be surprised if it's more likely that she's sizing you up. She's a very keen judge of character, and is fiercely loyal to those she loves. She's a real woman. The kind every man wishes he had. I don't know how I got so lucky. She loves my big dumb ass for reasons that seem very plain to her, but often mystify me. She captivates and enthralls me. I love her and miss her madly. Our love is very precious to me, and it is continually evolving. Our life together is complicated much of the time, but it's also a great adventure. I adore her.

Griffin's Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-25T09:47:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas! Today, of all days, it is apparent to us all that there are things in life more important than that next promotion at work, or what kind of car one drives, or what side of the tracks one lives on. If not everyday, then at least for today, let us all be reminded that there is something that transcends those ideals and motivations. Today, let us be reminded that we are all part of a much larger whole. Today, even if only expressed in the very localized focus of the ones you call family (be they biological or otherwise), let yourself be a conduit and a vessel of the expression of family, love, friendship, and spiritual harmony throughout the world. I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Moslem, Hindu, Buddist, Atheist, Agnostic, or Martian. Today is a day (even if your idea of the holiday is saying "Happy Solstice!") that we have a unique opportunity to step back from our agendas and look at our motives and check ourselves. Is this the person I was raised to be? Is this the person I want to be? What can I do to become a better me so that when others see me, they catch a glimpse of the universal family? I love you all out there and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. And let there be, even if just for today, peace on Earth, and goodwill toward all of mankind.

Missing Him

2008-12-24T09:48:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up missing Griffin way too much. We just spent last night talking about everything and nothing and having ultimate phone sex, but it is never enough. I always, always want more of him.

Griffin and I live far apart from one another and someday it won't be like this. It is just getting to the someday part. Our lives are complicated , more so than most. We met online in a book chat room over seven years ago. Our lives took very different paths for awhile, but now we have reunited and are exploring our relationship again.

I love him and he loves me but all the rest is as confusing at it gets.

We are doing this blog together , yet separately. We wanted something else to connect us. Something else to share with one another. Griffin is my split apart , my soul mate. We are a very kismet couple always having similarities and coincidences happen to us simultaneously. We both love the same music , foods , lifestyles , animals , books , movies , hobbies etc... We have a lot in common and the things we don't ,we just agree to disagree on.

I honestly don't know if we will make it as a couple, but the important elements are there , and maybe thats all that matters.

Griffin's Initial Post

2008-12-23T17:13:00.000-06:00

This is Griffin. I love Sabine. Some things are as simple as that. These are some pictures I took a few weeks ago in Fort Walton Beach, FL. It's funny how some of God's creatures will stand still or even pose for my camera while others won't. As you can see, these guys let me get pretty close. There was this yellow butterfly that day though that wouldn't stay still for love or money. I followed his loopy ass all over the beach. I think he had ADHD or something. Or maybe it was me. Perhaps I started thinking about squirrels and ran off.

Brand New Blog

2008-12-23T16:47:00.000-06:00

Hi from Griffin and Sabine. We are just a couple in love and wanted to create a blog together. Welcome to our little corner of the universe.