My Love

I miss you sweet Griffin.

Some of the images of what love looks like to me.

Johnny Cash

For My Love

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This is for you my love Griffin....I can never hear it without thinking of you. I even want it played at my funeral.
I love you.

Diamonds and Rust

DIAMONDS AND RUST (Words and Music by Joan Baez)
Well I'll be damned Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit Hand on the telephone Hearing a voice I'd known A couple of light years ago Heading straight for a fall
As I remember your eyes Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring They bring diamonds and rust
Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend The unwashed phenomenon The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed Temporarily lost at sea The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell Would keep you unharmed
Now I see you standing With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there
Now you're telling me You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust I've already paid.



Can you go back and recapture something you once had with someone special? I don't know. I want to believe you can , but sometimes I am afraid that the past haunts like a ghost following you around with all the bad memories. The past for me is a lover that betrayed me with another woman ,and she haunts me. Not just she ,but also the fact that he choose her over me and then lied about it.
Now is now and that is the past , but can we really let go? Can we? I really want to know. I really want to know........

Valentine

Due to formatting reasons, I am unable to load the complete version of the card I scanned and manipulated today. I will continue to work on it. I have a sneaky suspicion that certain photoshop jobs may be too large to post here. If not that, I don't know what the deal is. Please bear with me during the course of your day. This is a very special holiday for Sabine and I, and I take it very seriously. It galls me to post a "please stand by due to technical difficulties" post, but we do what we can.

Sabine, I love you
I miss you terribly
I want you
I long for you
I hunger and thirst for you
The need and drive in me that propels
every choice I make
Is you
You are the engine
You are the inspiration
You are hope and dreams
You are my light and life
You
You
Without you, I despair
With you, I am completed
I belong to you
And you to me
On this Valentine's Day
Be mine
Mine
Mine
I love you

Come What May..........my love....

Happy Valentines Day, Griffin

You are my sweet sugar baby love. I love you so tenderly and passionately. I think you are smart and funny and oh so sexy. I miss you terribly and want you so hungrily.

Happy Valentines Day my lover , my sweetheart ,so far from my arms.

Sabine.....

Longing

I miss her
I need her
I desire and cherish
her
her
I'll take whatever level of her I can get
and say thankya
Thank You
my love
my cherished one
my soft place where I land
when I fall
my rest
my helpmeet
my lover
my wife
my precious angel
my friend
I long for you
I crave you
I burn white hot for you
You
Just you
All of you
Every bit
Every ounce
Every jot and tittle
No other
Just you

Wiping Off The Dirt

He sought his freedom today,

in serious courtrooms

where people have to speak for you,

because you no longer can.

The walls of anger and disappointment

make strangers of people,

who once were lovers,

and accidentally made a child.

People who really

had no business

being together in the first place.

He never loved her.

It was easy sex and a little comfort,

a bigger paycheck from the air force,

that was all.

His heart belonged to another

before this broken blond

came into the picture.

His heart and soul

always longed for another.

A auburn haired Texan

with a fiery spirit.

He seeks his freedom today

from a woman he calls whore,

and succubus behind her back.

He thinks she is a soul stealer,

he may be right,

he knows she killed his career.

She can have it all, because

there isn't anything worth keeping

that she has her poison on.

But his load will lighten today,

as the judge signs the papers

giving him back his freedom,

his honor and a little bit of his dignity too.

He can wipe the dirt off his shoes,

and leave the blond bitch behind.

Move into his own,

move into a future of his own making,

a better life of possibility.

Cherie (Sabine) 1/27/09

The Space Between

I can't embed this video for proprietary reasons (and who can blame him?), but here is the link. If I can find a better way, I promise I will. For this video and others of the like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvkX3t5LgVI

Missing him

Thank you for my pink roses and explaining things better for me. I miss you tonight. I am longing for you so much. I'm glad you got a temporary job. It will be good for you to get out.
I love you. I miss you. I want you.

A Dream I Had

I went to sleep last night worried about Sabine. She's had some not too friendly health problems lately, and due to that, as well as some other emotionally draining issues she's been dealing with the past few days, she hasn't had too much reserves left to deal with any unnecessary bullshit. She called me late in the night, because she could not sleep. Her mind was racing with the things she was dealing with, as well as some doubts and insecurities and irrational fears I burdened her with. These fears are no doubt what contributed to what i dreamt when I did finally get to sleep.

In the dream, she and I were together, and I was happy. She was too. Before long, though, I realized where we were located. We lived in the house that she shares with him. Correction, she lived in the house with him, and I lived hidden in her closet. She would let me out whenever he was away or the coast was clear. Realistically, this is no way to live, but in the dream, I still found the happiness of being with her even in that small way enough to subsist on. Then, one day, he discovers that I have been living in the closet, and that she's been keeping me there from him. He begins to scream terrible hurtful things to her. "So this is why you're not with me anymore! He is why you haven't let me touch you in months!" He threatened her (this is not his way in real life, but you know how dreams can be) and said that he would kill her, and then kill me, and then kill himself. Sabine runs to the closet and begins to throw dirty laundry on top of me to hide me, but he sees me anyway. I try to explain to him as best I can the situation and the nature of what is going on, but the guilt of the truth was too apparent to conceal. That's when I woke up, sweating, and weeping for what the dream meant.

It is entirely possible that it was, as they say, just a dream. God knows I've been saying that to myself most of the day. After all, anyone who's taken a high school english course has had a teacher explain that not everything is symbolic. "Sometimes a green frog is just a green frog," they would say. I pray that this dream is just a dream, based on my irrational fears, doubts, and insecurities. I pray that this will work out for the best (and in whatever God's perfect time for that is, not my time, as I am impatient and greedy and foolish). I pray for Sabine and I. I pray for him. I want to be with her, and I don't want to live in a closet. I pray that I can have both of those things.

This morning, Sabine and I were talking. I had not really talked about this dream with her yet, other than to say that I'd had a dream and who it was about. The conversation took an ugly turn (my fault entirely) because I had let myself get really worked up all morning about being concealed by her in her closet. It made me feel like she was ashamed of me. I don't believe that she is, and like I said, it was a dream. But I said some pretty stupid things this morning that I wish I could take back.

For a long time, a continuing theme in our relationship has been about the things we (I) wish we (I) could undo. Last night, Sabine told me that what we must do now is stop living and reliving the regrets of the past, and focus on the present so that we can build on the future. I want to do that. I believe that we can, even with so many things surrounding us that are vivid and loud reminders of the ghosts of the past. I do believe we can overcome them. I have to believe that. If there is any hope for us at all, we have to do that. I hope you read this, Sabine. And I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I say that I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome our past and build our love up so that it will be strong and precious. I love you so fucking much. You are and always will be my beloved precious angel.

--Griffin

He Gives Me Ultimatums

He gives me ultimatums
about our relationship,
he ask me questions
to which I have no answers.
He wants absolutes,
but this situation isn't black and white,
it is many shades of gray,
and now he is hurting,
and I'm the reason?
I think I'm supposed to fix it,
but how the fuck
am I supposed to do that,
when it takes all I've got
just to breathe.
I opened this doorway,
this pandoras box of secrets,
and now all the blackness is escaping
into the open,
into me,
and I'm responsible.
I'm trying to grasp air
and it eludes me.
I can't put it back in the box,
all this painful mess.
So the only thing
I can do, is allow it to escape,
into the air,
into the light,
into the void,
and hope it lands
someplace safe.


Sabine 1/16/09 (Cherie)

Arms Of The Angel

For my sweetheart .....may you find comfort in the arms of the angel.

Shameless Plug

It was Cold Today, and Murder is More Than Just a Bunch of Crows
What appears to start out as an emotional webjournal entry takes a darker twist as events unfold.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1364307/it_was_cold_today_and_murder_is_more.html

--Griffin

Pity Party

This morning my dad and I had a bit of a blowout about much of nothing. It got out of hand pretty badly because my emotions are very frazzled right now from being out of work. We both said things we regretted, and I left the house very pissed off. I let that anger fuel my sense of hopelessness about my job-finding troubles. I let those feelings feed and feed until I found myself unable to talk to anyone. Not too many people want to hire a grown man who looks like he's been crying, and can hardly talk without choking up. Yuck.

Looking back, of course, it's pretty embarrassing. I threw myself a pretty hardcore pity party while driving down the road. Actually, I've been having a lot of self pity the past few days. I've got to get over myself. I am better now. Fortunately for me, I have someone as precious as Sabine in my life. She listened to me piss and moan for a minute, and then told me (more or less) to get over myself and talk to my dad when I got home and to not wear my feelings on my sleeve. This is definitely not the time for that. She was right.

I filled out a few more applications, and I've got an interview tomorrow morning with K-Mart. I believe it's a overnight-stock position. It's not exactly what I'm shooting for, but it's definitely better than spinning my wheels not doing anything. Sabine gave me some great advice (as usual) and I love her for it. She's been feeling a little under the weather lately, and I wish I could take that from her. I hate it when she's in any kind of discomfort.

Anyway, enough of that sappy feeling sorry for myself stuff. I've got it better than most. I've got a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a vehicle that will get me from A to B. More importantly though, I've got the love of the best woman in the galaxy. Why she loves me and puts up with my nonsense sometimes is beyond my comprehension. I don't ask why the sun shines, though. I'm just thankful for the light and the warmth.

Poem For My Love

our eyes will always meet, even in a room full of people
our hands will fit perfectly to hold each other
you and i will forever finish each other's sentences effortlessly
we'll have plenty of inside jokes that makes us laugh and look like fools
our midnight conversations always end only when the sun starts shining,
with both of us sleeping on the same side of the bed.
we will take the longer walk home,
just so there's more time to spend together
you and i dont always have to speak to understand each other,
one look that's all it takes
we will eat off each other's plate just perfectly,
cause i like what you dont like, and you like what i dont
our friends grow uncomfortable, because when we stare into each other's eyes...
it seems like nothing else matters
as we lay next to one another, our bodies will seem like they are one.
our favorite song will be magic moments,
because we'll never forget the moment we've kissed the night of the full moon
we pass time by lounging on the big couch,
cuddling and talking over anything under the sun
our eyes cant lie, for its the window to the soul,
hence there's no need to constantly whisper, i love you
and all these little things make up ..... our relationship .

Tribute for Griffin

My love please remember that adversity makes us stronger.