Wiping Off The Dirt

He sought his freedom today,

in serious courtrooms

where people have to speak for you,

because you no longer can.

The walls of anger and disappointment

make strangers of people,

who once were lovers,

and accidentally made a child.

People who really

had no business

being together in the first place.

He never loved her.

It was easy sex and a little comfort,

a bigger paycheck from the air force,

that was all.

His heart belonged to another

before this broken blond

came into the picture.

His heart and soul

always longed for another.

A auburn haired Texan

with a fiery spirit.

He seeks his freedom today

from a woman he calls whore,

and succubus behind her back.

He thinks she is a soul stealer,

he may be right,

he knows she killed his career.

She can have it all, because

there isn't anything worth keeping

that she has her poison on.

But his load will lighten today,

as the judge signs the papers

giving him back his freedom,

his honor and a little bit of his dignity too.

He can wipe the dirt off his shoes,

and leave the blond bitch behind.

Move into his own,

move into a future of his own making,

a better life of possibility.

Cherie (Sabine) 1/27/09

The Space Between

I can't embed this video for proprietary reasons (and who can blame him?), but here is the link. If I can find a better way, I promise I will. For this video and others of the like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvkX3t5LgVI

Missing him

Thank you for my pink roses and explaining things better for me. I miss you tonight. I am longing for you so much. I'm glad you got a temporary job. It will be good for you to get out.
I love you. I miss you. I want you.

A Dream I Had

I went to sleep last night worried about Sabine. She's had some not too friendly health problems lately, and due to that, as well as some other emotionally draining issues she's been dealing with the past few days, she hasn't had too much reserves left to deal with any unnecessary bullshit. She called me late in the night, because she could not sleep. Her mind was racing with the things she was dealing with, as well as some doubts and insecurities and irrational fears I burdened her with. These fears are no doubt what contributed to what i dreamt when I did finally get to sleep.

In the dream, she and I were together, and I was happy. She was too. Before long, though, I realized where we were located. We lived in the house that she shares with him. Correction, she lived in the house with him, and I lived hidden in her closet. She would let me out whenever he was away or the coast was clear. Realistically, this is no way to live, but in the dream, I still found the happiness of being with her even in that small way enough to subsist on. Then, one day, he discovers that I have been living in the closet, and that she's been keeping me there from him. He begins to scream terrible hurtful things to her. "So this is why you're not with me anymore! He is why you haven't let me touch you in months!" He threatened her (this is not his way in real life, but you know how dreams can be) and said that he would kill her, and then kill me, and then kill himself. Sabine runs to the closet and begins to throw dirty laundry on top of me to hide me, but he sees me anyway. I try to explain to him as best I can the situation and the nature of what is going on, but the guilt of the truth was too apparent to conceal. That's when I woke up, sweating, and weeping for what the dream meant.

It is entirely possible that it was, as they say, just a dream. God knows I've been saying that to myself most of the day. After all, anyone who's taken a high school english course has had a teacher explain that not everything is symbolic. "Sometimes a green frog is just a green frog," they would say. I pray that this dream is just a dream, based on my irrational fears, doubts, and insecurities. I pray that this will work out for the best (and in whatever God's perfect time for that is, not my time, as I am impatient and greedy and foolish). I pray for Sabine and I. I pray for him. I want to be with her, and I don't want to live in a closet. I pray that I can have both of those things.

This morning, Sabine and I were talking. I had not really talked about this dream with her yet, other than to say that I'd had a dream and who it was about. The conversation took an ugly turn (my fault entirely) because I had let myself get really worked up all morning about being concealed by her in her closet. It made me feel like she was ashamed of me. I don't believe that she is, and like I said, it was a dream. But I said some pretty stupid things this morning that I wish I could take back.

For a long time, a continuing theme in our relationship has been about the things we (I) wish we (I) could undo. Last night, Sabine told me that what we must do now is stop living and reliving the regrets of the past, and focus on the present so that we can build on the future. I want to do that. I believe that we can, even with so many things surrounding us that are vivid and loud reminders of the ghosts of the past. I do believe we can overcome them. I have to believe that. If there is any hope for us at all, we have to do that. I hope you read this, Sabine. And I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I say that I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome our past and build our love up so that it will be strong and precious. I love you so fucking much. You are and always will be my beloved precious angel.

--Griffin

He Gives Me Ultimatums

He gives me ultimatums
about our relationship,
he ask me questions
to which I have no answers.
He wants absolutes,
but this situation isn't black and white,
it is many shades of gray,
and now he is hurting,
and I'm the reason?
I think I'm supposed to fix it,
but how the fuck
am I supposed to do that,
when it takes all I've got
just to breathe.
I opened this doorway,
this pandoras box of secrets,
and now all the blackness is escaping
into the open,
into me,
and I'm responsible.
I'm trying to grasp air
and it eludes me.
I can't put it back in the box,
all this painful mess.
So the only thing
I can do, is allow it to escape,
into the air,
into the light,
into the void,
and hope it lands
someplace safe.


Sabine 1/16/09 (Cherie)

Arms Of The Angel

For my sweetheart .....may you find comfort in the arms of the angel.

Shameless Plug

It was Cold Today, and Murder is More Than Just a Bunch of Crows
What appears to start out as an emotional webjournal entry takes a darker twist as events unfold.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1364307/it_was_cold_today_and_murder_is_more.html

--Griffin

Pity Party

This morning my dad and I had a bit of a blowout about much of nothing. It got out of hand pretty badly because my emotions are very frazzled right now from being out of work. We both said things we regretted, and I left the house very pissed off. I let that anger fuel my sense of hopelessness about my job-finding troubles. I let those feelings feed and feed until I found myself unable to talk to anyone. Not too many people want to hire a grown man who looks like he's been crying, and can hardly talk without choking up. Yuck.

Looking back, of course, it's pretty embarrassing. I threw myself a pretty hardcore pity party while driving down the road. Actually, I've been having a lot of self pity the past few days. I've got to get over myself. I am better now. Fortunately for me, I have someone as precious as Sabine in my life. She listened to me piss and moan for a minute, and then told me (more or less) to get over myself and talk to my dad when I got home and to not wear my feelings on my sleeve. This is definitely not the time for that. She was right.

I filled out a few more applications, and I've got an interview tomorrow morning with K-Mart. I believe it's a overnight-stock position. It's not exactly what I'm shooting for, but it's definitely better than spinning my wheels not doing anything. Sabine gave me some great advice (as usual) and I love her for it. She's been feeling a little under the weather lately, and I wish I could take that from her. I hate it when she's in any kind of discomfort.

Anyway, enough of that sappy feeling sorry for myself stuff. I've got it better than most. I've got a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a vehicle that will get me from A to B. More importantly though, I've got the love of the best woman in the galaxy. Why she loves me and puts up with my nonsense sometimes is beyond my comprehension. I don't ask why the sun shines, though. I'm just thankful for the light and the warmth.

Poem For My Love

our eyes will always meet, even in a room full of people
our hands will fit perfectly to hold each other
you and i will forever finish each other's sentences effortlessly
we'll have plenty of inside jokes that makes us laugh and look like fools
our midnight conversations always end only when the sun starts shining,
with both of us sleeping on the same side of the bed.
we will take the longer walk home,
just so there's more time to spend together
you and i dont always have to speak to understand each other,
one look that's all it takes
we will eat off each other's plate just perfectly,
cause i like what you dont like, and you like what i dont
our friends grow uncomfortable, because when we stare into each other's eyes...
it seems like nothing else matters
as we lay next to one another, our bodies will seem like they are one.
our favorite song will be magic moments,
because we'll never forget the moment we've kissed the night of the full moon
we pass time by lounging on the big couch,
cuddling and talking over anything under the sun
our eyes cant lie, for its the window to the soul,
hence there's no need to constantly whisper, i love you
and all these little things make up ..... our relationship .

Tribute for Griffin

My love please remember that adversity makes us stronger.

When it rains...

Today I had planned to do some more job hunting. Let me tell you what happened instead. The first thing I needed to do was to get a new tire for my Jeep. It had gotten a flat, and it was not quite the same size as the other 3 tires. I got a used tire from Otto the Tire Man, and figured I'd be on my way.

Once I got back onto the freeway, I noticed that the Jeep began shaking violently once I hit about 45 mph. I'd had this problem before and getting the alignment fixed had solved the problem. I went over to the local Firestone place and told them what was going on with my vehicle and what I thought needed to be done. They proceeded to tell me what they thought the problem might be, what they thought should be done, how much it would cost, and then test drove it. The guy came back and showed me the part he believed needed to be replaced due to a Technical Service Bulletin (TSB 19-003-06) that had come out a few years ago on my particular model Jeep. Apparently, a TSB is similar to a recall, but with the customer having to pay through the nose to fix the problem. Good times.

The guy referred me to the local Jeep dealership, and once I got there, I was quoted a price tag of a little over $300 for the part and labor that might or MIGHT NOT fix the problem. Seriously, let me tell you about this shaking. At about 45-50 mph, it literally feels like the steering wheel desperately wants out of my hands, like it is late for a very pressing engagement, and the whole front end wants to jump off the road (with or without the rest of the vehicle, it doesn't seem too picky). This is a pretty scary feeling, especially on the bridge in town, or one of the many useless freeways, or even just in traffic. It's extremely difficult to maintain control of the vehicle. Yikes! Can we say red asphalt? Of course at 45-55 mph, while wearing my seatbelt, I doubt I'd be thrown from the vehicle. More likely parts of the vehicle would want to be forcibly inserted into me through my chest. Anyway, I don't have $300+ (still job hunting, so no income) so I can't get the problem fixed right now. I suppose, barring a grant from one of my generous readers (that's right followers, time to fork over the cash! Just kidding), I'll just have to rechristen the Jeep something a little more accurate. Don't get me wrong, I love my Jeep, but Rolling Deathtrap might be a better name for it, at least for now.

The dealership was on top of their game too. The guy at the desk seemed so interested in my huge safety issue, that he was almost able to pretend to listen to me and not to whatever he was watching on the tube. Perhaps the president was on or something. I asked him what he thought I should do and he said "Well, try to keep it under 40, I guess," then re-glued his eyes to the television.

BAH! I know that when things are not going so great, it seems like everything happens all at once, but I seriously do NOT need this shit right now.
--Griffin

Good Enough

My mood of the moment.


Sabine.......mon couer..........je taime

Mr. Rogers' Goodbye

I was always a big fan of Mr. Rogers. He helped show me how to be a good neighbor. I still miss him sometimes.




--Griffin

More Job Hunting

This is getting frustrating and desperate. AHHHHH! I feel like screaming. The job market sucks, by the way. NOBODY is hiring. I just spent today filling out applications for Applebees, O'Charley's, Smokey Bones, T.G.I. Friday's (what's the required amount of "flair" to wear?), Chili's, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Mellow Mushroom, Outback, Ruby Tuesday's, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, Red Robin, and a computer repair store that looked like it had about 2 employees and only needed one. I've done the online resume thing and sent it out to all parts of cyberspace. I've submitted my paper resume to nearly every place in this town that has even the remotest need for someone to fix a computer (hospitals, communications centers, insurance agencies, even the damn newspaper).

I wonder if I could make any money as a male dancer? I doubt it. I can't dance for shit and don't really meet the physical requirements for the jobs (not super ripped, don't have a 13-inch trouser snake, and I'm not gay). Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope I find something soon. Like I said, I'm feeling very frustrated and desperate more and more frequently. I have to find something soon, otherwise, you may see a Microsoft Certified bag-boy at your local supermarket very soon, or the guy asking if you'd like some fries with that at Mickey D's or BK.God, this is depressing. I am hoping that writing about all this crap will help a bit. You know, provide me an outlet.

I'm definitely having one of those days where I'd like to crawl under a rock and close my eyes and wait for it to all be over. The truth is, however, that the only things about this situation that are able to change will have to be changed by me. So for tonight, I'm going to put on my cozy flannel pajama pants Sabine just sent me, curl up with a good book (Sabine knows just the one), and try not to wish too hard that I had a tub to soak in (definitely a "Calgon, take me away" kind of night).

Wish me luck, as I get back out there tomorrow and start the whole process over again. And again, and again, and again until I find something. Hmmm, I wonder if it's as easy to rob a bank as the movies seem to make it? I doubt it. I'd probably need enough accomplices for the job that would not make the money worth it. If this was 150 years ago, it might be worth it, but these days, the sheer logistics make big-time crime pretty impractical unless you've already got the access to the millions or billions that you're planning to embezzle. What a ripoff. The poor need the money, and the retardedly rich are falling all over themselves to steal more. I think in my next life, I'll come back as a gangster rapper. They seem to have a good head on their shoulders, and almost no problems to speak of.

Lets Talk About Sex

Griffin & Sabines History

Lets talk about sex baby.....lets talk about you and me..................lets talk about sex......

Will fear always surround us?

Can anyone ever climb over the walls I put up to protect myself?

Yes

We almost lived happily ever after last time.

Life 101.

I was WRONG.

Together always.

What Griffin says to me often about the past mistakes.

The place we left in each others hearts when we left each other.

Here's a pretty good pasta recipe

Today I'm going to write about food. I was reading our header and it said that this blog was about sharing our interests, such as etc... Today, I'm going to share one of the first pasta recipes I made up myself. It was while I was working at The Maple Street Mansion (the name sounds a bit classier that the type of place it's become in the past 10 years). Anyway, I know that most of the time recipes are in a format like prep time; ingredients; measurements; how to cook; and the like. I probably could do that, but I don't remember the exact measurements of all the ingredients I used, and it would vary on how many individuals you were cooking for anyway. So I've decided instead to copy the recipe down sort of like how it sits in my own mind. My apologies to all readers who can't read my mind and who don't know the difference between a splish, a splash, and a sploosh as units of measurement. Anyway, here goes.

The first thing you want to do is get your ingredients all within arms reach, preferably near a stovetop and a countertop (or prepping table if you work in a restaurant). You will need a pot to boil your pasta. I used angel hair pasta. It worked best for what I was doing at the time, but any bachelor will tell you that they all taste the same and therefore make little difference. When boiling your pasta, toss a splish of olive oil and a punch of salt into the water to keep the pasta from sticking to the pot or to itself. I prefer extra virgin olive oil (love the way it smells when heated), and I like kosher salt or sea salt, but any salt will do.

While your pasta is cooking, this would be a good time to start getting the other stuff ready. You'll need a saute pan, some tomatoes, fresh basil (not dried and put in a bottle, it's got to be fresh), butter (real, not margarine), garlic (fresh is ok, but for this dish I prefer the minced garlic that comes in that little jar), and some white wine (chardonnay will probably be your best bet here). Don't waste that bottle you've been saving for your grandson's wedding day or whatever. Really and truly, just about any mid-grade store bought white will do. Let's save the wine snobbery for when we're not cooking with it. In your pan, go ahead and begin melting your butter at a medium-low heat. I hate the look, smell, and taste of burned butter, don't you? While it's melting down, you can toss in your garlic and a splash of your wine. How much you use will be determined by how many you're cooking for and don't be afraid to experiment and screw around with any recipe. Make it your own! Chop up your basil very finely, maybe even toss it in the food processor for a few seconds. Slice or dice your tomatoes (I'd make the tomatoes around bite-size, but whatever shape is your own call). Toss in your basil to the pan, getting it started. By now, your noodles should be getting about done. Drain them and then rinse them off with cold cold water. Put them to the side for now. Get a plate ready.

At the last minute, put your tomatoes into the saute pan. You want them hot, but not really cooked. They should still retain the color and texture of raw tomatoes. Hopefully, as you've added your ingredients to your sauce, you've been stirring it, that's only common sense. Anyway, grab a serving of pasta, and toss it in the pan with your sauce, getting the mix going. Some people may want to put the pasta directly onto the plate and then top it with the sauce, like spaghetti, but with a sauce this light in flavor and color, that's a bit rediculous here. Besides, your noodles should be cold until putting them back into the pan. Anyway, with your tongs or pasta scoopy thing (you know the one I mean, it's like a spoony-thing with holes and arms), stir the pasta into the sauce, saturating as much as you can. Put it onto your plate and serve it. If you find you made too much pasta, or too much sauce, don't worry. Just keep adding one or the other until you've balanced it out. Play around with it.

Make it your own. That's what I did, and they put it on the menu. Must be pretty good, but your first and most critical judge will be yourself. If you like it, someone else probably will too. That is unless you have terminal bachelor tastes and do things like drown everything you each in ranch dressing or hot sauce (sometimes I am guilty of this, and not just with wings). Anyway, try this recipe, or don't. If you have any questions about it, please ask and I will try to answer them.
--Griffin

Amore

Love rises above all
The question begs at me
it gnaws at me
all the things I cannot or will never understand
all the things I wasted time on
when all existence fades into silence
silence that draws you in, it beckons you
this merging into one
for understanding has nothing to do with love,love rises above such things
it has no questions and needs no answers
it just is.



Kevin Harling

Job Hunting

The past couple of days I've had to do the job-hunting thing after almost 6 years. I had forgotten what a pain in the neck it is to get out there, beat the streets, update resumes, and have the ever increasing pressure of that ever-dwindling supply of savings. To say these few days have been nerve-wracking and stressful would be an understatement. I'm only a couple of tests away from my MCSA certification, which should land me a pretty decent job, but the market isn't that great in the small town I landed in. I'd love to write full-time, but I've gotten rusty and my muse has only recently returned (Sabine, I am eternally grateful for you). I've got a lot in me that needs to be written (and read), it's just taking time. I don't know who among you has experienced the brain-baby feelings of intellectual and mental labor pangs. The pains of a literary birth are there, but there's still a bit of a blockage. Perhaps the stress of everything that's going on is hindering my creative juices.
I'm willing to travel, and as a matter of fact, the plan is for me to eventually get out to where Sabine is located. For that, I'll need to have some savings to cover the cost of the travel, a deposit on a place to live, at least a couple months rent or payment in advance, and a few other incidentals.
This may take time, as I'm in the process of what looks to be a very messy and expensive divorce. I will also have to calculate what child support payments will be, according to whatever my income is going to be. I'll have to make enough money to pay for the fuel, auto payments, and insurance. The only thing I'm not having to pay right now is rent, which is fortunate. I've had to move back in with my dad for a while. This is a heavy blow to my self-esteem. It feels like I'm a teenager or something again sometimes. After being independent for so long, having to come back to depend in any way on someone else is difficult for me. Hopefully this process will not last too long. I spoke to a human resources rep at a hospital in the local area about a computer administrator job they had posted. It sounded fairly promising. I may even have to consider getting a night job (like a regular job-type job, not a career-type job) so I can focus on interviews and whatnot during the day. I know Waffle House is always hiring somewhere, and they particularly have trouble keeping night-shift help. There is good reason for this. I don't know how many of you out there have experienced this, but Waffle House is not the most pleasant place to be between 2 and 5 in the morning.

Oh well, there are other options. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this, and I have a great support system, especially in Sabine. I couldn't do this without her support. I am very grateful to have a friend and cheerleader like her in my corner. Any little bit helps though. If you believe in this kind of stuff, pray for me. If not, then I'll pray for you. I just made myself feel clever. Ha ha ha. Anyway, it's getting late, and I've got some streets to beat in the morning. Good night all.
--Griffin

Him (My Griffin)

I want my love in the worst way tonight. My arms feel empty without him to hold. I long for the day we can be together forever. I am his and he is mine and there is just no stopping that.

All Cleaned Up Now Mr. Griffin

Looking Back, Looking Forward - A New Year Underway

It is 2009; a brand new year. A time of reflection, but more importantly, a time to look to the future. We all have heard of traditions associated with the coming new year. Almost everyone at one time or another has made a promise to themselves or someone else to change something about their life. Many resolve to give up a vice, or to spend more time at the gym shedding those extra holiday pounds. Some people resolve to seek out a relationship with a significant other, while others promise themselves that this will be the year they are going to break out of some other mold or rut in their life. "I'm going to ask for that raise this year," or "This year I want to spend less time in the office and more time with my family." These are all noble and worthy things to aspire to, but I'll talk more about that at a later time.

Some other traditions that some of us know about might be a bit more localized. Many of us make a ham for the New Year's Dinner (or lunch or whatever). I'm not a big eater of pork, but I've noticed that this seems to be the holiday meat almost like turkey is for Thanksgiving. Personally, I think I'd rather have a steak. Also, at least where I'm from, we eat collard greens and black-eyed peas. My mother told me that the greens were so we would have dollars in the coming year and the peas were for change. Being younger, I thought she may have been talking about quarters, nickels, and dimes, but the more I think about it, I wonder if we don't want a different kind of change for the new year. Perhaps that is what she meant. I don't know. Another New Year's tradition my mother impressed upon me was that one had to be careful what they did on New Year's Day, because they would be doing it for the rest of the year. My mother seemed to take great fear in this concept and would spend as much of the day in bed as she could. This tended to have the opposite effect on me. Now, I realize that traditions and superstitions only have as much power over us as we allow them, but I still try to do something productive on New Year's Day. Even if it's as small of a thing as doing laundry. As a matter of fact, I've done the laundry every New Year's Day for as far back as I can remember. I've got a load running right now. Perhaps there's more to that superstition than meets the eye, but I figure, if I'm going to be doing something for the rest of the year, it might as well be something that needs to be done on a regular basis no matter what time of the year it is. Perhaps I'll shower today as well, maybe even make dinner, or go for a walk. Something productive that I can do just as easily on January 1st as I can on any other day of the year. I wonder sometimes at the irony that my mother (who has worked very hard all her life, don't get me wrong), spends most of her free time in the bed. Go figure.

I hope every one of you have a prosperous and peaceful New Year. I hope that you all find within you the personal strength that you really do have to keep up any resolutions that you make. Even if you don't make resolutions, I still hope that you experience all things good this new year. This is a chance to begin again. It's a chance to become something and someone a little bit better than we were before. Whether that means a small personal upgrade, or a complete systems overhaul, I wish you all luck. Perhaps this will be the year you look back on later and say, "Wow, 2009! What a year!"
Happy New Year,
-Griffin