A Brand New Year

It will soon be 2009, and it is indeed a time for self reflection. I do not make resolutions anymore ,as I always felt the pressure of those choices weigh on me and felt doomed to keep them. I do however think it is a good time for reflection of the past year and perhaps a good time to re evaluate some things you may want to achieve in the coming year.

My own goals for this coming year are to be as healthy as I can be. To take responsibility for that health by making good choices in food and drink and exercise and sleep.

I also would like to pay off all my credit card debt. To do that I am going to write out a budget and figure what I would have to pay each month to achieve that goal, and not use the cards at all this year.

A more important goal is one I am unsure of when or how to accomplish, but will figure it out as needed. I want to work towards my own happiness and dreams. I know that sounds a little vague, but it really isn't. Griffin will know what I mean by that one.


Today is my anniversary. The fifth anniversary of being diagnosed with stage one breast cancer.
At exactly 5 pm , five years ago today, I got the call from my doctor apologizing for telling me via the phone, but stating that she knew I would want to know as soon as possible. After hanging up the phone and telling my two house mates at the time , I lay my head down on the kitchen table and wept and wept. They wept with me and held me.
As long as I live I will never forget that moment in time. I am so blessed to still be here , and to be in remission and healthy. I am so grateful to God for that and to the good doctors I had.


I look forward to the coming year ahead and all the possibilities that are there. I want to be optimistic and filled with hope that 2009 will be a stellar year and full of many happy experiences to come.
I know that having Griffin back in my life, while it has brought many added stressors in some ways, has also brought me joy and happiness in many others. It is a miracle in many ways that we are back in each others lives.

My wish for all of you is one of health and happiness and may your dreams come true this year.

"The Scientist" by Coldplay

This is a song that's always made me think of Sabine and our relationship. The elements of wanting to go back and change things in the past is, I think, a universal desire. I know it's very strong in me. I imagine I sometimes spend too much time wishing I had a time machine and probably not enough time considering what needs to be done for the situations of the present. I don't know. It is often difficult to determine things like that about myself. The high-powered tools of perception work well when looking outside. Turning them to look inside though sometimes feels like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Please excuse my ramblings, it's not particularly early here, but it wasn't too long ago I woke up, and I still have not sipped my coffee yet. It's too hot.
-Griffin

Acid Trip I once Went On

His Betrayal

I cannot escape this loss

this dumpster of time

tossed like a rotten fruit,

leaving me with nothing,

but the death smell of an empty bin.

I'm left to look at broken glass

and graffiti of lives left in heaps

unspoken.

The head of a babydoll,

my jealous face,

both carry the same message:

we have been replaced.

I cannot escape this loss.

He can afford his sins.

I will see reflections

in the bits of broken glass

as I memorize every detail

of his little face.

He has his eyes

and her wicked smile,

as if he carries a legacy

of betrayal.

He can afford his sins,

but my sins don't go anywhere,

they stick to me with a cloying sweetness

and wait to do me in.

I twist and turn,

trying to escape this legacy,

and end up finding us,

in this thing you made.

Or what is left of us anyway.

Sabine / 2008 written just after seeing pictures of their child together.

Musings on my son

I recently had my son over to visit for a few days for the holidays. It was an experience I am still a bit ambivalent about. Although I've been in his life for the past year and a half, I haven't really been much of a father to him. I was emotionally distant with him much of the time. A good deal of that has to do with the emotions his mother brings up in me and the painful memories his presence evokes. Now, don't get me wrong or paint me too harshly just yet. I fully understand that none of that is his fault, and that of all the parties involved in the whole sad affair, he is the innocent one in this situation. I don't hold any negative feelings toward him. He's actually a really likable little guy. I see a bit of myself in him, but even more interestingly, I see a lot of my younger brother in him sometimes. Go figure. The main reason for the emotional conflict I have regarding him, is what he represents. While with Sabine, I cheated and betrayed her trust by getting another woman pregnant. The ramifications of this horrible thing I did are still effecting us today. We are still at a point where we are having to rebuild our trust foundation. We are making progress, but it's a much slower and painful pace than it should have to be. I hold all the blame in this matter. Over the years of working through this issue, Sabine and I have reconnected and there are definitely parts of our love that are stronger and truer now than before, but the cost has been high. We may have this pain to deal with for many years to come. It seems that it's a bit lessened now, over time, but it still flares up occasionally. They say time heals all things, and I believe that. I also believe in a God that heals the brokenhearted. But healing, like growing, is a process that takes time, effort, and is often painful. This was a very wasteful sin I committed. I wasted years of what could have been spent growing closer with Sabine for deception, betrayal, and infidelity. I don't have the words to describe how sorry I am about the pain and havoc I've wrought in her life, in our life. I hope and believe that she and I can recover and press on from this massive wound in our hearts. I also hope and pray that I can be the father that my son needs me to be as well. He deserves that and more. It's not his fault that he's here, and I should never ever, ever treat him like a mistake or accident. He actually makes that easier than I deserve it to be. Over the past few days, we've both discovered that we like each other quite a bit. I'm still pretty scared about what kind of father I will be. My track record for flourishing relationships is pretty spotty. He deserves more than that. Sabine deserves more than that. I have to try though. I want to be a better man than I am. I want to be a better father than I am. I may post more on this issue. Maybe today, maybe in the same post. I'm not sure yet.
--Griffin

A Fathers Legacy

Even though a long lost brother

has found me.

I find no comfort there.

I am still a only child,

that lonely little girl

twirling in the grass

playing with her dolls,

climbing huge oak trees

perched atop my kingdom.

Strange brothers can do nothing

to fill that void

inside me now.

A disconnected voice

from a fathers long ago mistake.

How many more secrets

from his past

will continue to haunt me?

How many broken promises

and lost dreams

can one lonely woman survive?

His fractured spirit

is still following me around

from the grave.

Boney fingers pushing up from the dirt,

to claw at me again.

I placed a rock on top of your resting place

hoping to keep you inside,

Where you could never hurt me again.

Something I didn't realize then,

was that rocks can't keep ghost contained.

Sabine/ 2008

Stormy Morning

This morning the wind is blowing and the sky is darkening. I feel the weather changing quickly. A storm is moving in. I love storms. I love the unpredictability of storms. The rain falling , the lightening crashing and the thunder booming. I love the passion in them.

Life is like a storm sometimes. We don't really know what we are going to get or how it will all turn out. We can only control parts of our story. Like the sudden weather change, our lives turn on a dime.

One minute you are laughing and confident that all is well and the next second a car hits yours in the side. It is all unpredictable and scary in a way, but it is also exciting and wonderful.

Even though we don't know the outcomes of a thing, even though we sometimes walk blindly into the dawn ,we walk willingly. Some of the people we meet along our path will bring us so much joy and so much love that it is worth it. I would rather have known a moments real love that didn't work out ,than to not know what it was like to feel that.

We don't have to know what is in the box before we open it. It is okay. Life's unexpected surprises are bound to happen. Some of them will be wonderful and some won't ,but either way I am glad to be here. I am glad to be a part of humanity and look forward to the journey.

Insomnia

Griffin has a child by another woman.
I am sleepless and restless tonight. Full of unanswered questions. Wondering what exactly it is I feel right now about this child. What I feel about all of this. How did we let this all happen to us?
I want to love the boy. I do.
I am a kind person and love children.
This child represents for me a great heartbreak, and he is that for Griffin as well.
This causes him to feel a bit ambivalent about it all.
We both struggle with this issue. The only thing he can do is to give what he can ,and love the boy in spite of his harpie mother. In spite of feeling he is a mistake. In spite of all that happened in the past.

He is the innocent here. That is an important fact we both have to remember when dealing with this issue. Children usually are the innocent ones in bad situations. We adults are usually the ones to blame.
As parents we can only do our best and try not to inflict any damage. Like the code for physicians.
" First Do No Harm "
Good advice for parents as well.
So we take this one day at a time like we do all the rest of this situation we find ourselves in.
We don't really have a choice.

Christmas Morning

This beautiful Christmas morning I awoke with him on my mind , but that would be no different from any other day since we reunited.

I awoke thinking of how I wish he was lying next to me in the bed and I would slip off to the kitchen to make us coffee and bring him a cup in bed. Then I would kiss him on his nose until his eyes fluttered open to me, tossled and sleepy eyed. I already know he would smile sweetly, as that is his way with me. He may not always be sweet with most, but with me he is tender and thoughtful. He tells me I bring this side out in him.

He brings out in me so many things. A sexual , sensual woman that starves for him. A intelligent being that wants to figure things out. A nurturing caring person that wants to take care of him.

I fell in love with a manchild, but he is growing into a real man now. A deep thinker , responsible and serious in the ways that matter, but also a little inner child that relishes the fun part of life.

Our life is complicated , but in other ways it all seems so simple. I love him and he loves me and all the rest is in the details.

My wish for you on this beautiful Christmas morning is to find a love like ours. To have even just a taste of what this feels like is to be blessed by the gods.

Merry Christmas xoxoxoxo

Sabine

My love for her

I remember when I first met her. My Sabine. It was, as she says, in a chat room. At that time, we enjoyed each other's company a lot. We had so many things in common, and I have to admit, it wasn't very long at all before I realized that I was crushing on her pretty hard. Eventually we began speaking on the phone. I remember the very first phone call we shared I was so nervous. I was really just a kid at the time, although I know that I'd have resented hearing that about myself then. But nevertheless, I was nervous about hearing her for the first time on the phone. She could tell. She called me from the bathtub. That thought alone was really more than enough to set my heart to racing. It was still very early on in the friendship, but I felt very attracted to her. I don't think I'd even seen a photo of her at that point. Well, the Internet's funny like that. And then her voice. Her lovely, beautiful, wonderful voice. It's got a very gentle quality about it, although I have definitely heard her inner warrior in that voice many times. There's a subtle Texas drawl to it that comes out when she gets excited about something. Or when she's speaking to folks with extreme New York accents. She and I love to do voices together. I could spend hours talking about her voice, but I'll press on. She's got this way about her. In many respects, she's very old-fashioned (in all the best ways, and none of the worst). She can cook and bake, and then she'll turn around and surprise you when you find out about the very technical nature of her job. She has an extremely keen wit, and when the situation calls for it, she'll tell you exactly what's on her mind. It's often tempered with an genuine goodness and kindness, but if she's got to call a spade a spade, she does exactly that. She's softer than a spring rain falling on flowers, and yet she's tougher than nails. She can ride a horse, change an alternator on a car, and yet you'll see her in a little black dress at a party and look at her right when she's biting her lip and wonder how the world doesn't just blow her away sometimes. Don't be fooled. She may be biting her lip in doubt, but don't be surprised if it's more likely that she's sizing you up. She's a very keen judge of character, and is fiercely loyal to those she loves. She's a real woman. The kind every man wishes he had. I don't know how I got so lucky. She loves my big dumb ass for reasons that seem very plain to her, but often mystify me. She captivates and enthralls me. I love her and miss her madly. Our love is very precious to me, and it is continually evolving. Our life together is complicated much of the time, but it's also a great adventure. I adore her.

Griffin's Christmas Thoughts

Merry Christmas! Today, of all days, it is apparent to us all that there are things in life more important than that next promotion at work, or what kind of car one drives, or what side of the tracks one lives on. If not everyday, then at least for today, let us all be reminded that there is something that transcends those ideals and motivations. Today, let us be reminded that we are all part of a much larger whole. Today, even if only expressed in the very localized focus of the ones you call family (be they biological or otherwise), let yourself be a conduit and a vessel of the expression of family, love, friendship, and spiritual harmony throughout the world. I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Moslem, Hindu, Buddist, Atheist, Agnostic, or Martian. Today is a day (even if your idea of the holiday is saying "Happy Solstice!") that we have a unique opportunity to step back from our agendas and look at our motives and check ourselves. Is this the person I was raised to be? Is this the person I want to be? What can I do to become a better me so that when others see me, they catch a glimpse of the universal family? I love you all out there and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. And let there be, even if just for today, peace on Earth, and goodwill toward all of mankind.

Missing Him

This morning I woke up missing Griffin way too much. We just spent last night talking about everything and nothing and having ultimate phone sex, but it is never enough. I always, always want more of him.

Griffin and I live far apart from one another and someday it won't be like this. It is just getting to the someday part. Our lives are complicated , more so than most. We met online in a book chat room over seven years ago. Our lives took very different paths for awhile, but now we have reunited and are exploring our relationship again.

I love him and he loves me but all the rest is as confusing at it gets.

We are doing this blog together , yet separately. We wanted something else to connect us. Something else to share with one another. Griffin is my split apart , my soul mate. We are a very kismet couple always having similarities and coincidences happen to us simultaneously. We both love the same music , foods , lifestyles , animals , books , movies , hobbies etc... We have a lot in common and the things we don't ,we just agree to disagree on.

I honestly don't know if we will make it as a couple, but the important elements are there , and maybe thats all that matters.

Griffin's Initial Post

This is Griffin. I love Sabine. Some things are as simple as that. These are some pictures I took a few weeks ago in Fort Walton Beach, FL. It's funny how some of God's creatures will stand still or even pose for my camera while others won't. As you can see, these guys let me get pretty close. There was this yellow butterfly that day though that wouldn't stay still for love or money. I followed his loopy ass all over the beach. I think he had ADHD or something. Or maybe it was me. Perhaps I started thinking about squirrels and ran off.

Brand New Blog

Hi from Griffin and Sabine. We are just a couple in love and wanted to create a blog together. Welcome to our little corner of the universe.