A Dream I Had

I went to sleep last night worried about Sabine. She's had some not too friendly health problems lately, and due to that, as well as some other emotionally draining issues she's been dealing with the past few days, she hasn't had too much reserves left to deal with any unnecessary bullshit. She called me late in the night, because she could not sleep. Her mind was racing with the things she was dealing with, as well as some doubts and insecurities and irrational fears I burdened her with. These fears are no doubt what contributed to what i dreamt when I did finally get to sleep.

In the dream, she and I were together, and I was happy. She was too. Before long, though, I realized where we were located. We lived in the house that she shares with him. Correction, she lived in the house with him, and I lived hidden in her closet. She would let me out whenever he was away or the coast was clear. Realistically, this is no way to live, but in the dream, I still found the happiness of being with her even in that small way enough to subsist on. Then, one day, he discovers that I have been living in the closet, and that she's been keeping me there from him. He begins to scream terrible hurtful things to her. "So this is why you're not with me anymore! He is why you haven't let me touch you in months!" He threatened her (this is not his way in real life, but you know how dreams can be) and said that he would kill her, and then kill me, and then kill himself. Sabine runs to the closet and begins to throw dirty laundry on top of me to hide me, but he sees me anyway. I try to explain to him as best I can the situation and the nature of what is going on, but the guilt of the truth was too apparent to conceal. That's when I woke up, sweating, and weeping for what the dream meant.

It is entirely possible that it was, as they say, just a dream. God knows I've been saying that to myself most of the day. After all, anyone who's taken a high school english course has had a teacher explain that not everything is symbolic. "Sometimes a green frog is just a green frog," they would say. I pray that this dream is just a dream, based on my irrational fears, doubts, and insecurities. I pray that this will work out for the best (and in whatever God's perfect time for that is, not my time, as I am impatient and greedy and foolish). I pray for Sabine and I. I pray for him. I want to be with her, and I don't want to live in a closet. I pray that I can have both of those things.

This morning, Sabine and I were talking. I had not really talked about this dream with her yet, other than to say that I'd had a dream and who it was about. The conversation took an ugly turn (my fault entirely) because I had let myself get really worked up all morning about being concealed by her in her closet. It made me feel like she was ashamed of me. I don't believe that she is, and like I said, it was a dream. But I said some pretty stupid things this morning that I wish I could take back.

For a long time, a continuing theme in our relationship has been about the things we (I) wish we (I) could undo. Last night, Sabine told me that what we must do now is stop living and reliving the regrets of the past, and focus on the present so that we can build on the future. I want to do that. I believe that we can, even with so many things surrounding us that are vivid and loud reminders of the ghosts of the past. I do believe we can overcome them. I have to believe that. If there is any hope for us at all, we have to do that. I hope you read this, Sabine. And I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I say that I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome our past and build our love up so that it will be strong and precious. I love you so fucking much. You are and always will be my beloved precious angel.

--Griffin