Musings on my son

I recently had my son over to visit for a few days for the holidays. It was an experience I am still a bit ambivalent about. Although I've been in his life for the past year and a half, I haven't really been much of a father to him. I was emotionally distant with him much of the time. A good deal of that has to do with the emotions his mother brings up in me and the painful memories his presence evokes. Now, don't get me wrong or paint me too harshly just yet. I fully understand that none of that is his fault, and that of all the parties involved in the whole sad affair, he is the innocent one in this situation. I don't hold any negative feelings toward him. He's actually a really likable little guy. I see a bit of myself in him, but even more interestingly, I see a lot of my younger brother in him sometimes. Go figure. The main reason for the emotional conflict I have regarding him, is what he represents. While with Sabine, I cheated and betrayed her trust by getting another woman pregnant. The ramifications of this horrible thing I did are still effecting us today. We are still at a point where we are having to rebuild our trust foundation. We are making progress, but it's a much slower and painful pace than it should have to be. I hold all the blame in this matter. Over the years of working through this issue, Sabine and I have reconnected and there are definitely parts of our love that are stronger and truer now than before, but the cost has been high. We may have this pain to deal with for many years to come. It seems that it's a bit lessened now, over time, but it still flares up occasionally. They say time heals all things, and I believe that. I also believe in a God that heals the brokenhearted. But healing, like growing, is a process that takes time, effort, and is often painful. This was a very wasteful sin I committed. I wasted years of what could have been spent growing closer with Sabine for deception, betrayal, and infidelity. I don't have the words to describe how sorry I am about the pain and havoc I've wrought in her life, in our life. I hope and believe that she and I can recover and press on from this massive wound in our hearts. I also hope and pray that I can be the father that my son needs me to be as well. He deserves that and more. It's not his fault that he's here, and I should never ever, ever treat him like a mistake or accident. He actually makes that easier than I deserve it to be. Over the past few days, we've both discovered that we like each other quite a bit. I'm still pretty scared about what kind of father I will be. My track record for flourishing relationships is pretty spotty. He deserves more than that. Sabine deserves more than that. I have to try though. I want to be a better man than I am. I want to be a better father than I am. I may post more on this issue. Maybe today, maybe in the same post. I'm not sure yet.
--Griffin